Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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