i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
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