We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
Terrible idea I love it
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
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