She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Randomize
