I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
