i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
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