Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Randomize
