And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
Randomize
