Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Randomize
