If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
so much tequila, so little girl.
Pants are for mortals
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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