I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
I think I just sharted jello shots
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