just survived the first fart of the relationship.
I could have mohawked her pubes.
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
oh god was she eating orange peels again
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
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