I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Text me some of your sweat
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
