so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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