Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
Randomize
