I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Randomize
