I just saw a girl play flip cup with only her tongue
I'm in love
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
