life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
Randomize
