people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
Randomize
