my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
Pushiiing vjews 4 ma daz caik
Lyk hr kuds 4
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
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