I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
we went to a bar last night, drank beer in plastic cups. I took pics w/a random kid i pulled into a photobooth & i have easy mac in my purse. I belong here.
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
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