nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
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