I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
Randomize
