you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Randomize
