I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
