You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
Randomize
