Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
