I can text with my tongue
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
We need to feng shui this bitch.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize