State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
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