four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Randomize
