i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
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