I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
He told me they were just razor bumps!
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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