We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
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