you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
