I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Randomize
