Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
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