just wrote on a church. and then stalked a boy, by the way, i fucked him. him being your friend, also, love tacos.
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
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