i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
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