I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
yay america 4th of july drinking game. take a drink every time you hear or see a firework, finish your drink for a mention of mj or the gosselins, a shot for the words democracy,hope, freedom, terrorism
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
I'm just crazy horny about you
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
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