dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
Randomize
