I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
Just pee around me
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
Randomize
