Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Randomize
