I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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