hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Randomize
