3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
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