there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
Randomize
