i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
