When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
That girl really should ne nicer to her vagina. It's not a playground.
Apparently hers is a theme park.
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
Randomize
