Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
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