I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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