Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Randomize
