The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
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