When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
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all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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