i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize
