I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
Dick very happy bro
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
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