So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
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