So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
Randomize
