i already hear my dad disowning me
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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