dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
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