dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
By the way seagulls wings are very soft. And the lesbian and or by sexual twins say hello. Be home in the little bit time frame.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
Randomize
