at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
my being single is dangerous.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
Randomize
